seeds of a book of practical advice

Rules for the theater--in no order, just a little brainstorming. Some are for actors, some for directors, some for other people.

1. Never let someone give you crap for having your back to the audience. If they do, turn around slowly with you middle finger extended toward them, and continue turning back to your original position.

2. Never make an actor do something s/he cannot do. It will look like shit. Do not risk it.

3. Always make an actor do something s/he nearly cannot do. It will look amazing, even if s/he fails.

4. Improvisation is a fine rehearsal tool. But you are not good enough to rely on it in performance. Ever.

5. Acting is not pretending. If you are pretending, you are not acting. Or doing anything remotely interesting.

6. Acting has nothing to do with becoming a character. Or staying in character. Or anything to do with character. You are you, and, as yourself, you have the capacity to do everything. The sooner you accept that and are able to deal with this fact, the sooner you will start to be decent.

7. If the audience claps and congratulates and compliments you after the show, it does NOT mean you are good. Probably the opposite.

8. If you want to make an audience happy, the easiest way not to do so is by being happy. Be normal, instead.

9. Same for sad.

10. If you feel a need to elicit a particular emotional response from your audience, hold yourself back. If you can't, there's jobs well suited to your fascist bullshit in the psychology profession.

11. For the last time, life is not a linear narrative. If you think it should be, is easier, or makes people feel better, you're wrong. All it does is make people feel like crap because their lives aren't as "perfect" and "simple" and straightforward as the fascist version of reality you have presented them with.

12. Theater IS real life. Real life IS theater. Neither imitates the other.

13. You will always want to do what you did the first time. So don't fuck up. Improvisation with kill you in this way. What is funny in improv is NEVER funny again. The reason it's funny as improv is because you have made a fool out of yourself. When you present this as polished performance, it's not funny. It is pathetic.

14. If you do not always think about your body, you will suck. I don't mean trying to dance, or trying to do acrobatics. Pay attention to your physical presence--this includes your voice.

Corollary to 14. Your voice is NOT separate from your body. Nor is your "mind." It is all physical.

15. If you have intimacy issues, if it's difficult for you to touch or kiss others, if you need to rehearse normal, human contact, there are plenty of professions for which you would be better suited. Don't torture yourself solely to have people clap for you. Remember, clapping is bullshit (see 7).


There will be more to come, as well as revisions to and explications of the aforementioned rules. Please feel free to comment with your thoughts. Eventually these rules will become a full-length book addressing many elements of making theater--from finding scripts, to casting, to stage design, directing, and audience etiquette. It's intended to be a practical guide--humorous, contradictory, but completely serious, and functional.


You are all beautiful people.